The unexpected aspects of sexual abuse

Much like the victims, this topic doesn’t often get a voice but it’s incredibly important to talk about it, shake the shame, take the taboo out of it and have open conversations.  Sexual abuse is a deeply harmful act that encompasses a wide range of behaviours, all of which violate an individual's autonomy, dignity, and safety. It can occur in various forms, from physical acts to psychological manipulation, and affects people of absolutely all ages and genders. Before you even have the ability to speak and you suffer some form of this abuse, you will inherently know that it’s wrong, now the challenge becomes trusting your instincts and speaking up as an adult.

Culture and clashes

Maybe I’ll give away more of my age than I’d like to but when I was growing up, the only memorabilia we had of this time, were black and white photos. No videos and certainly no social media. What hasn’t changed however is an unbridled enthusiasm of parents snapping pictures of their infants naked. Of course, I can only speak for the culture I grew up in, but it was popular to go to school and share childhood photos, all butt naked on the Persian rug or in a bathtub. With a bit of luck these photos will end up in the attic collecting dust for eternity, however the kids today will have their photos circling the internet endlessly. Do you want to be posted butt naked when your 4 months old? Probably not. Do you get to have a say in the matter? Probably not. And it doesn’t stop there.

Ever since I can remember, growing up we would go to the seaside every summer, which is a lovely pastime as it is, but there was no trace of relaxation for me. One of my earliest memories is being stripped naked and put out to soak up the sun at 3 years old. Parents have great intentions, of course they do, but unfortunately for me, they also had great friends who accompanied them on said trips. I can remember vividly the feeling of being completely naked in front of my auntie’s son. He wasn’t much older than me, but my feelings of shame and embarrassment could have filled an ocean. I remember lying on the sand, and continuously wishing, hoping that the earth would swallow me up. Every minute was an eternity, and my red cheeks had nothing to do with the sunrays of the late afternoon. I hated every second of it. At the time however, there was no arguing, no speaking up for what I wanted or needed.

As the years went by, it didn’t get much better. In my teenage years the arguments became all about how I have to remove my top, so I don’t get marks and burns where the straps sat on my shoulders. Walks on the beach consisted of endless hours of arguing on the topic. It was simply not understood that my levels of shame and embarrassment were immense compared to the tender skin I might experience from the sunshine’s somewhat strong teeth. It was exhausting.

The surprising thing was that many many years later I realised that some issues during intercourse were rooted in this strong feeling of someone is doing things to my body I don’t approve of. Your clothes being ripped from your body when you’re not ready or willing, can be a significant issue. A cause of this type of trauma doesn’t have to be rooted in rape or physical assault. I can completely understand parents having good intentions, wanting the best for us but we should always have the power over our own body no matter the age or culture.

Love does not equal safety

I hear this story countless times and perhaps you have as well, unfortunately it is incredibly common to be in bed with the enemy. Knowing someone or being in a relationship doesn’t automatically equal consent either. Allow me to tell you a story, a struggle spanning over 6 years. The leading lady let’s call her Clara, went away with her friends for a weekend to enjoy some time at the beach. They’ve all known each other for many years. There was one particular guy Clara got on really well with. They always joked and confided in each other. As the night went on, the guy proceeded to funnel shot after shot into Clara. By the end of the night, she was so drunk, she could even speak. Unfortunately, the guy saw this as an opportunity and carried her up to his bedroom. That’s right, she couldn’t even stand on her own two feet.

She woke up the next morning in a room she didn’t recognise and terribly confused about what had happened. By this time Mr Macho-man had fled the scene and offered no explanation. As the day went on Clara started to have flashbacks, not knowing if all that, actually happened or if it was just a dream, well a nightmare in this case. On the way home she felt tremendous amounts of shame and felt unable to open up to anyone. She distanced herself from the friend group and pretended that nothing ever happened. A couple of years later though, life brought Mr Macho-man back into her life, and they started dating. She wasn’t too sure about it but went with the flow. She had always liked him a lot, and as the months went by, she developed deep feelings of love.

From the outside everything seems magical and like a fairy tale happy ending. All the friends cheered them on and were so happy that they finally ‘found each other’. Behind closed doors though, there was a slight issue. Clara felt an obligation to sleep with him, rather than a carnal lust, a deep desire to be intimate with her partner. I don’t think I need to point out to anyone just how wrong that is.

Even after countless conversations about trying to align the frequency of ‘love making’, not much changed. Fact of the matter is that Clara’s body couldn’t forget. Her heart may have loved him, but her body said no. She was simply unable to get passed the fact that he forced himself upon her all those years ago, when she was completely helpless and unwilling. She tried hard to convince herself that it wasn’t a stranger so therefor it must be fine. It was never fine, not for a second. Ultimately the relationship broke down and that’s good news, because no one should be going to bed at night with their rapist.

It's not me, it’s you!

Going back to the culture aspect, women are often taught to be humble, quiet, and to be the understanding care givers. Some see the light later in life and break out of this people pleasing pattern, for others the subservience continues. Now there’s nothing wrong with caring for others, considering their feelings, except for when it’s at the detriment of our own. Women are often culturally conditioned to act as "society’s shock absorbers," prioritizing caregiving and emotional labour. This role usually involves suppressing personal needs and any amount of anger just to maintain harmony, leading to chronic stress.

Suppressing healthy anger—a behaviour socially enforced in women—creates internalized stress. Chronic emotional repression dysregulates the immune system, triggering autoimmune responses. It cannot be a coincidence that 80% of autoimmune disease sufferers are women. Of course, this integrates both biological and psychosocial factors, while emphasizing the profound impact of societal roles, trauma, and emotional suppression. I believe that it is important to mention how oestrogen enhances immune reactivity, while testosterone suppresses it, partly explaining sex-based disparities, nevertheless women need to recognize that self-care is never selfish. Speaking up for what you need, and what crosses your boundaries is essential.

I hear the story from my female patients’ countless times, seen how they have convinced themselves that pleasure, orgasms or simply enjoying sex is just not for them. Truly sad. Perhaps they did have a bad experience early on which then became the foundation for everything else to follow but let’s face it, most women don’t speak up, don’t express what they would truly like. That’s as if it even crosses their minds that they are entitled to feel good, to experience pleasure and not be somehow embarrassed about it.

Much like enjoying a nice meal, everyone should have the chance, the possibility and the ‘outrageous’ expectation, the ability to enjoy sex. Social taboos, parents concerned voices, or cultural inhibitions have no place in the bedroom.

Not everyone can be the right fit, sometimes not even the kindest most well-intentioned feedback or guidance can save a sexual relationship, but no one should ever write themselves off, believing that it’s just not meant for them. I can guarantee in 99.9% of the cases, the right match exists for everyone, you just need to believe you’re truly lovable and worthy of it.

'No' is a full sentence

Very much in line with the previous paragraph, women often worry about potentially offending others and can occasionally go along with more than they would really like to. Other times they muster up the courage to say how they feel but consider it absolutely necessary to give a full explanation as to why they don’t want to do a certain thing, get into a person’s car or bed on the first date. No is a full sentence. There is no need for endless explanations or pre-calculated conversations, simply say no.

I have studied human behaviour for many years, read countless amazing books but it was actually one of my dear friends who taught me one of the most valuable lessons in life. Allow me to save you countless hours of scrolling and searching YouTube for tips and unveil the two things you really need to know. As per my dear friend’s advice, men who are not afraid to offend you, will never really respect you. Take a moment and let it sink in.

If a man is pushy and doesn’t accept ‘no’ the first time, step away, far away. Do not listen to any amount of BS about how you have amazing chemistry, how the stars have aligned, you only live once etc, he doesn’t respect you and that will not change miraculously overnight. Once he got what he wanted, he will drop you like a hot potato, leaving you with a sour taste in your mouth. So much for great chemistry. Spare yourself the anger, the disappointment. Just step away.

For the moments where you may feel that there is hope, this could be something good, I really love the following phrase which came to me on a sunny spring afternoon walk.

Simply say, for me to sleep with someone, I need trust, and trust needs to be earned. Do not babble on about 90 days or meeting the parents first or what ever else you may have heard before, men see through all that and have their ways to convince women otherwise. Which brings us to my next point. The second strongest urge for men apart from survival is the urge to procreate. Arguably if they can have offspring, their genes can live on through that child so in an odd way it almost makes the two impulses equal. Men, much like all organisms, are evolutionarily "programmed" to reproduce. This drive ensures the survival of genetic material and species continuity. The need to procreate is biologically inherent, luckily cultural, economic, and personal factors allow us to transcend pure biological imperatives. All men have this urge. Some hide it well, while others don’t bother. Some have more patience than others. Often, your feelings and emotional wellbeing will not be the top priority, getting laid will be.

Armed with this information, you hold the power to take charge of your own decisions, making it clear that you are the one in control of what happens to your body and when it happens. This sense of autonomy is essential in establishing boundaries and ensuring that your choices are respected. Circling back to the beginning of the article, it's important to recognize that it’s not always just romantic partners who might attempt to push your boundaries; it can also be parents, caregivers, or other authority figures in your life. While adults may have more life experience and parents will have lived longer than you, their perspectives or desires do not override your right to decide what happens to your body, especially when it comes to matters of intimacy. This is a fundamental truth: no one else but you gets to make those decisions. Your body is yours alone, and you have every right to say no when something doesn’t feel right or aligns with your personal boundaries. Stand firm, trust yourself, and never hesitate to assert your autonomy. End of story. Say no!